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A Mother's Love |
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Contents: To assist you in accessing the section(s) of this talk that you are interested in reading, please double click on the appropriate underlined link. |
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For most people, family is the most precious gift God has given, especially the children who are a mixture of both parents as regards appearance, mannerisms, temperament, and other lovable quirks. Have you ever exclaimed, "The baby has my eyes but so and so's smile." Children grow so quickly! One day they are infants; and the next, it seems, they are adults ready to begin life on their own. Many of you probably can identify with this story. When the Master's daughter, following the fashion, wanted to wear an off-the-shoulder dress, her mother felt she wasn't old enough for that sort of gown. A heated argument ensued that lasted for days. Finally, the Master was appealed to. He said, "Let her try one on. If it stays up, she's old enough to wear it." Jane could have identified with this mother; she too was solicitous. When Jane first met Francis in 1604, she had four living children. We know little about the youngest but the other three had unique and very different personalities. Perhaps you will see yourself in one of her children. If you are a parent, you may see your children or child in hers. Jane had learned much about gentleness and living Jesus from Francis de Sales. She in turn influenced Francis so that Salesian spirituality has become a melding of both feminine and masculine insights into Jesus who once said, "Learn of Me, for I am gentle and humble of heart." How did their years of living Jesus influence the guidance of Jane's children who all married, became parents, and lived among the upper echelons of society? What did Jane and Francis consider important for those children if they were to live devout lives in the world? Fifty-three letters written by Jane to her children, to their spouses, or to their in-laws are preserved in the archives of the Annecy Visitation. Their study provided the material for this talk. You treasure your children, and indeed, your main interest in life probably is their welfare and their development from being images of God at the time of birth into becoming likenesses of Christ by the time of death. Jane de Chantal was just like you. Of the four children who lived beyond infancy, Charlotte, her youngest, died in 1610 at the age of eight or nine, and Marie Aimee, her oldest daughter, died during childbirth in 1617 at the age of nineteen. Both of these girls seem to have been model children, naturally good, pliable, and loving. A letter to Francoise in 1620 describes Marie Aimee as having been a young matron "still remembered for her holy and prudent conduct, for her friendly relationships with her in-laws, for her peaceful relationships with the neighbors, and for her simple lifestyle." No mother could desire more from a newly married daughter, and perhaps you or your children are like this. If so, you are fortunate since such children respond quickly to guidance. But Celse Benigne and the above-mentioned Francoise were different stories. By nature, Celse-Benigne, the oldest child, was an impetuous daredevil of a boy, while Francoise was a lively, headstrong girl with a tendency to selfishness and vanity. Both Francis and Jane were so filled with the gentleness, simplicity, and humility of Salesian spirituality that these virtues were the means used by them in the guidance of both children, as seen in the correspondence of Francis to Jane when they were small, and of Jane to both Celse-Benigne and Francoise when they were grown. Letter of Francis to Celse Benigne But training children in behavior and values is not an overnight project. Remember the melodramatic performance staged by Celse-Benigne early in 1610 when his mother left for Annecy to begin the Visitation? Yet scarcely a year later, Celse Benigne was asking Francis for advice regarding proper behavior at court. Here are a few highlights from Francis' lengthy response.
What struck me as I reflected upon the original letter which was about twenty times longer than this excerpt is the fact that it still exists. Remember, Celse-Benigne was only sixteen when he received it. He was beginning his life as a courtier and a soldier. Yet this letter was so important to him that he saved it and slowly must have assimilated its contents. Externally, Celse Benigne remained a person ready for any escapade. This would be true until the day he died. After all, he was the heir of the Rabutins, a family of the old nobility, notorious throughout France for wit, audacity, and valor. Celse-Benigne's ambition was to surpass his father's record of 18 duels! On one occasion, Jane's fear for his salvation was even greater than her distress at his being the talk of the town where she was establishing a new Visitation monastery. Francis, in his letter of January 1619, tried to console her by saying, "My dear Mother, mortal life is full of such happenings; the pangs of childbirth do not end at the birth of a child. Come now, God will give you strength, and I hope He will lead this son of yours safely into port, and that you will know it." This was probably the last letter Francis wrote in which there was any allusion to her children. Francoise,
a Difficult Teenager
Francis de Sales died at the end of 1622. By the time of his death Francoise, Jane's daughter, already was married to the Count de Toulonjon. But the nine letters that Jane wrote to her daughter before the death of Francis indicate that the process of settling Francoise in her own home had not been an easy one. First, no suitor was acceptable to Francoise, who in 1620 would have been nearly twenty-one, quite old in a period when marriage in the early teens was common. When she did agree to marry the Count de Toulonjon, a man fifteen years her senior but wealthy and titled, then the problem was her wardrobe -- totally inadequate, you know. Jane minced no words in trying to curb Francoise's desire for material possessions. You probably could resonate with Jane as she pleaded with Francoise to moderate the count's desires to shower her with jewels and new dresses. Jane doubtless remembered how hard it was for her to rescue her own husband's properties from the near-bankruptcy caused by his extravagances, and she wanted to spare her daughter the same ordeal. But some of you may have identified more with Francoise, crestfallen at her mother's words, "...since you are my daughter, you are expected to be circumspect and to conduct your affairs wisely and prudently... I am going to allow only one gown to be sent to you, for more than one, considering all the other things he (the count) is getting for you, would be unreasonable." As the wedding date approached, Jane wrote, "May God bless you, my dear daughter, be content with what you have...you are the child of parents who always were most reasonable, peaceful, and happy in their life together, this is what I desire for you." About six weeks later, Jane wrote a letter full of advice for a happy marriage to the new bride. A year later there is a letter congratulating Francoise and her husband on the birth of a son; yet six months later the baby was dead, and Francoise was pregnant again. By the end of that year Francis de Sales was with God. Now we will look at the letters that she wrote to each of her children and their spouses. Marie Aimee, her daughter and Marie de Coulange, her daughter-in-law, were women who were innately good and gentle. The single letter to Marie Aimee sounds like a practical letter of spiritual direction for in it Jane emphasized the necessity of humility, gentleness, and loving acceptance of the permissive will of God in the difficulties of life. In her letters to Marie de Coulange, there is the same quality of practical advice seasoned with aspirations for God's continued blessings on the young couple. It is easy to sense Jane's anxiety about Celse-Benigne, Marie's husband. After his untimely death in battle, Jane is so grateful that he had died honorably as a Christian, that her letter of condolence with its hopes for a heavenly reunion sounds like a paean of praise to God. The next letter tucks in a grandmotherly bit of advice about the toddler Marie is training in the devout life along with congratulations on the settlement of Celse-Benigne's estate. Jane even sends good wishes to Henrietta, Marie's sister. on the occasion of her marriage. In her last letter to Marie, written only three months before the latter's death, Jane wrote, "I do not have the words to express the love which God has given me for all of you. If we were to reflect on what God has accomplished through the events of these past few years, I believe that we would rejoice in His goodness to us." Letters
of Jane to Celse Benigne
Next comes Celse Benigne. What struck me most about this correspondence is Jane's unconditional love for this son about whom she had few illusions. Jane may have been in a monastery hundreds of miles away from him, yet she was very much aware of his affairs and well-being. She mothered rather than smothered, but she was always there for him, counseling, encouraging, and looking out for his well-being. Celse-Benigne appreciated this. Shortly after his marriage to Marie de Coulange he wrote a letter to Jane in which he admitted,
Jane may have entered a convent, but she knew and saw to her children's earthly welfare. This is the only letter from any of her
children that Jane had kept; how she must have treasured it! Finally come the letters to Francoise, the sole survivor of her mother. Jane's correspondence to this daughter extends over a period of twenty-one years. Although by nature, she may have been high-spirited, even selfish and vain, I pity Francoise. A lively child, she had to live with her mother in a convent where she was educated with young girls planning to become religious. As the daughter of the Reverend Mother, she must have suffered more than most for any childish escapades. Given her temperament, she may have been a handful as a teenager. As soon as feasible she was sent to live in the home of her sister, Marie Aimee, until the latter's death in 1617. Then, since it was evident Francoise was not called to religious life, Jane had the responsibility of arranging for her daughter to be a guest in the homes of various relatives. In one of her letters, she wrote, "... I fear you may become a burden if your stay is too long." Within ninety days of this letter Francoise had met Antoine de Toulonjon, and ninety days later she was a married woman. Her life was not easy, filled as it was with sorrows and sufferings -- miscarriages, squabbles over inheritances, and deaths, so many of them -- her infant children, her only brother, and finally, after only thirteen years of married life, her dearly loved husband. Just as a hard rock gradually is weathered by the constant dripping of water, so Francoise gradually was transformed by her responses to the vicissitudes of life and, I like to think, by her mother's frequent reminders to trust God and His unconditional love. Jane's letters to Francoise are a mixture of practical advice about maintaining a household and a spiritual challenge about accepting the permissive will of God lovingly. No easy task for a daughter to whom Jane had written in 1636, "I admit that you have to contend with a difficult temperament." And then she added, "But you also have sufficient grace and knowledge to be able to surmount the shortcomings of your nature. I assure you of this." In the years immediately after her marriage, Jane's letters to Francoise were very frank. For example, in July 1624, Jane wrote, "My daughter, you always promise me so much; I pray God that you will do as you have said." Jane does not sound very confident there. But just as Jane had been for Celse Benigne what Monica had been for Augustine, so she also stormed heaven for Francoise. In her letter of April 1625, Jane warns Francoise against her desires to amass earthly possessions for her children. She says,
The constant refrain throughout all these letters is: Trust God's Divine Providence. Accept God's permissive will in peace, patience, and love. Consider the joys of eternal life and its reunion with loved ones. Nor did Jane neglect to remind Francoise of the relationship builders, such as the little virtues of love, cordiality, and charity towards the neighbor, fidelity to her husband, the nurturing care of her little Gabrielle. She even warned Francoise to curb her Rabutin wit which so easily became hurtful ridicule. Later she wrote, "Accept whatever happens as the holy will of God, even things repugnant to you; your peace of mind depends upon this." Strong medicine! Sounds like the book of Job! A more contemporary statement of this same truth might be, "We're converted by the circumstances of our lives -- if we really let these circumstances get to us." All of us who truly have embraced life know that there are many bitter pills to be swallowed along the way. We too, in time, recognize that our most bitter experiences frequently have initiated the greatest growth periods in our lives.
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